Ever been on the brink of success or utter failure?

A universal experience, right. Well, the butterflies had been smacking our asses around all day today as if we were awaiting our award placement in a heavy duty competition--a marathon, if you will. This. Has. Been. One. LONG. ASS. race.

Called the lab after 3:00 and their response was: .59. No conclusive answer. She said they'd know for sure with the 2nd beta. The point is throwing me off and the doctor doesn't get in until after 5:00. Any of my few and beloved readers have a clue if this is a decent or shitty number? I keep reminding Dan and myself the news won't take anything away from what we've already got. It will only mean we won't get that icing.

Of course I've hit up the little person behind the curtain, The Internet, but am still confused by the damn POINT 59. Last time, our first IVF, for beta #1 the doctor mentioned 3, or some equally hopeless number to send me straight to the soft cheese, coffee, and vodka. The BFN was confirmed the following day by AF.

Though still holding my breath to see if we'll get to take home the trophy, I did win an award today. I was kindly nominated for a Sisterhood Award by Mrs. Joyner--put a nice big smile on my face. I'll follow up, posting later with the proper protocol when I can breathe again. Quite honored. Thank you, Mrs. Joyner.



So. WTF does .59 mean for our first beta, dammit?!

I have one answer at least: it means we must wait until the 11th for our 2nd beta. What's 2 more days after 7 fucking years?

I hate this. I hate this whole fucking process. I hate being infertile and I hate that I can't get pregnant like a normal woman. I hate that there are idiots who can get knocked up their first time and women who get knocked up after having their tubes tied. It's not fair, it's fucked up, and I hate it. And I'm OVER IT! OVER IT! Yes, I hope this time it worked, of course. Then we're onto a slew of other worries. But from what I've read, if I AM pregnant, 59 is about average for a singleton on the first beta. Don't trust that assessment as I am apparently kinda very retarded reading these sorts of numbers. There's a reason I never pursued anything involving science.

I could go pee on a stick. Maybe then I could at least see a couple of those damn lines--however misleading they may turn out to be. I could call the doctor after he gets in. Then we can hear conclusively that we're fucked on this last round of ours. Or not. Maybe I'll pull an ostrich and just wait. If there's any hope, I don't feel like being defeated with our equivocal reality. We'll find out conclusively in 2 days. 2 days.

Just 2 more days.

If we do get Gavin, we're so renaming him "Consolation Prize."

Sat. Morn.: First RE appt. since transfer. (!) (?)

Wasn't sure I should have ended that title with an, "!" or a "."

I can't say I'm even cautiously optimistic. I'm just going through the motions, following orders, getting rest (oh, so much rest!), bossing Dan around, and glad at the end of the day we will have at least tried--whatever the news may be. That's not to say if we get disappointing news today, I won't be balling.

Except I'm not exactly sure if we're going to find out anything conclusive today. The transfer was only a week ago. After we were done with our 4 hour jail time (no--looks like I'm just not letting that one go), I was hungry and we couldn't get out of there fast enough so when the nurse handed me my little instruction sheet which says at the bottom: clinic 1/3 before 12:00 PM, I didn't delve into it. Figured I'd get my answers soon enough. They probably just want to shoot more PIO in my ass to support my home vag. suppositories/pills regimen. And maybe I'll get to have another of those fun Albumin drips. But here's what I'm secretly hoping: They have some magic here in Taiwan that cuts the 2ww down to a 1ww.

Then of course... if it worked (though pretty certain we won't be magically finding out any HCG info today) here is but a small sampling of my fear list:

• Miscarrying (but perhaps putting so many in there will mitigate a "loss"?) naturally
• Miscarrying due to getting an amnio (yes, I fully intend to have one)
• Amnio results that we'd ball over
  
• Health--For all involved
• Side effects of simply being pregnant w/one, let alone possibly twins
• Giving birth
• How the new baby will affect/change my marriage
• Being a mom--the hardest part of it all.
  

Once an Infertile finally gets to the point of going through fertility procedures and if it actually works... the trepidation that the shoe will fall (off!) with every step, unfortunately doesn't appear to ever go away for infertile women. Once an "Infertile," always an "Infertile."