Thursday, February 26, 2009

Good foundations start in the womb.

Here was my original concept:

Decking out my womb.

Started this post on 2/4/09 intending it to be a stab at optimism. A work in progress for the weeks leading up to the FET as I grow plushy lining in which to welcome our thawed embryos. I wanted them to "see" and "hear" the happy world that awaits them WHEN they nestle in and grow healthily to a real live birth.

I have mixed feelings about this approach--anthropomorphizing what amounts to mere technologically advanced dabs of multiple cells of our combined DNA--our totcicles. I am a FIRM believer in civil rights (I know, to some stating this is like saying I love rainbows and long walks on the beach. But the fact that Prop 8 in California didn't pass just shows not everyone has a solid understanding of what it means to believe in civil rights. Don't get me started on the hypocrisy...). Women's rights. Women's right to CHOOSE to have an abortion. The "right to life" vs. "freedom of choice." That term "right to life" was a manipulative term created by the right wingers who, I might add, played a huge role in creating this world-wide recession (yes, off point). The phrase "pro-life" implies we who believe women should have the right to choose what happens to their bodies DON'T BELIEVE IN LIFE... Implies we are, in fact, anti-life. From the top of my lungs, I scream to those herds, FUCK YOU!!! (Yeah, Fuck not cursing. So I only lasted one post.)

If I got knocked up before I was 26, I probably would have had an abortion. Once I hit around 27 I decided I'd go through with an unplanned pregnancy (though of course I was crazy-fastidious about protection [BCP+condoms]) and would either keep it or give it up for adoption. Once I met Dan, within the first 2 months we'd responsibly discussed if we accidentally got knocked up we'd definitely keep it and get married early (having known before our first date we were going to get married [we knew the first night we chatted at that fateful party where our parting gift was a pomegranate {which we ironically incorporated into our wedding "theme."}]) HA... 20/20 irony.

Real pomegranates we grew from a tree we planted in our beloved first nest. These bloomed right after we moved out. The new tenants? She got knocked up and her boyfriend told us how great the house was for fertility as I hugged her in congratulations.

Our fall wedding festooned with ripe, full, bursting with seeds, fertility-representing, pomegranates... still taking contraception b/c we thought we'd wait a bit longer to start a family. Sweet.

Though I personally was never faced with the decision to put my beliefs to the test, we still got tested while we were seeing RE #2. Dan was such a regular at a Starbucks in Encinitas that a Barrista disclosed to him she was pregnant and didn't know what to do. He immediately called me to see if we could offer to sponsor her and adopt. It seemed rash, but serendipitously well-timed. He made the offer. She said she'd think about it. He went back a week later and she told him she had an abortion. We were both really saddened. But we completely respected her choice. That particular path wasn't meant for us to follow.

I've read a lot of infertility blogs, but have yet to read about an IFer's take on abortion. It's such an Oprah topic for us women banging our heads against to wall, trying everything we can possibly try to just get fucking knocked up and deliver a baby, dammit. While simultaneously, there are countless girls out there aborting those precious pregnancies we all so long for.

The red flags have been slapping the wind gusts about reversing Roe v. Wade since abortion became legalized. I fear I've seen some flickers of red flapping in the breeze after Octomom and her doctor's abuse has been so publicized. There will always be abusers on both ends of the spectrum from Octomom to Serial Abortion Slut who uses abortion as a method of birth control. But just as it's our right to pursue ART, it's their right to receive legal abortions.

That addressed, I shall continue to flesh out this exercise in HOPE.

Here was my original text:

My goal: open my heart to HOPE. This is kinda the opposite of "having a consolation prize" lined up (Jetson got adopted, BTW--may be a sign).

Location, location, location.
found just the right neighborhood, great schools, perfect weather, clean, safe: √

estrogen/progesterone... nice lining will abound: √

Provisions for crew abundant.
fortifying sustenance + shelter (+ chocolate): √
vision + tools + budget... unlimited: √

Now the fun begins. Designing. Creating the playlist. Prepping this pad for their lifetime foundation. So that ain't gonna involve no fruffy puffy pale pastel crap.

It's free shopping time.

And here is what I arrived at on this, what I believe to be my day before transfer:

"Free" shopping ended up involving me shopping our lives.

The stuff wasn't "free" as in my original concept of flitting about the Internet snatching shots of covetable crap. I thought I'd have fun doing that, but anything that caught my eye was happily very close to what we already own, or have owned. So these are the feathers of the nests we've already created. Multiple nests. We've created four since we started TTC. Our most recent 4th is where our four-legged babies are patiently awaiting the return of our salty lickable faces, but I don't have any of those shots on this laptop...

Anthropomorphizing beginning... NOW.

To our dearest Multi-celled Thawed Embryos,

We have wanted you for SO long that we're doing our best to make sure you have the cushiest, fluffiest, thickest, badasssedest place to hunker down for the next 9 months.

We've provided you with images and sounds to entice you to stay and enjoy your ride. There are many wonderful nouns out there awaiting your arrival in this world. It just won't be the same without you.

We are keeping all appendages crossed in hopes that you like what you see and hear. Please hang on. We'll teach you tons, make you laugh and cry and hopefully make you super glad you decided to join us.

See. We have talented photographer friends who make us look cool in shots (that's just water, BTW).

Apartments we renovated: We walk the fine line in artistic craziness. Your life will never be boring with us.

We have lots of friends who work in many fields. You'll have various and interesting influences. These friends run a restaurant in Taiwan.

I even removed my naval ring in case the metal may bug you in nestling in. Trying to conceive you stimulates superstitions (had that done loooong after I left your grandparents home, BTW).

Your future daddy is so fun. All the kids love him. Even strangers he meets on the subway.

He thinks I'm very monkey-like. He means it as a compliment.

Wo XiWang. I Hope. Jewelry designer friend's handwriting.

Future daddy wants to teach you to be a world-class surfer.

Future mommy wants to teach you how to knit.

Our favorite place to harden our arteries in Encinitas. The 101. If you join us, we promise to eat less Eggs Benedict.

Rich Taiwanese boss-lady's sanctuary. Even have some friends in high places. Ooooh, the nepotism possibilities.

Ah Susan. The heart + soul of the VOD. She'll watch you when I need to run a bunch of errands.

Your future daddy is in the kitchen brewing coffee and making one of his wonderful breakfasts. He's a gifted cook.

Our VOD nest. Your future daddy's favorite of them all.

We'll rock you to sleep on a sunny lazy afternoon.

Beacon's beach. We'll watch many gorgeous sunsets with our friends and neighbors. Leucadia is a wonderful community.

There will be lots of other kids for you to play with.

See, if you stick around, that could be where we were sitting with you bouncing on my lap (with a hat + tons of sunscreen, BTW) watching daddy surf. But we're not pictured b/c we're wading in the ocean as the waves lap at our feet, both lost in giggles as I try to spot daddy to point out to you.

Your fur brother, Zeke + sister, Tallulah. OMG, they're the greatest dogs ever. You'll SO fall in love with them, and they, you.

Old, old, Elly. She's been with your future mom for 18 whole years. For an old lady, she's really great with kids. We think you two will love each other too.

The "fertile" room. (Well, at least for someone.) This was where we first started trying to have you. (Yeah, I know. You don't even want to think about THAAHT!)

Gorgeous sunset taken from the porch of our beloved, and much-missed first nest.

Oh how we miss this place. We moved out and our renters now get to enjoy it. We moved next door b/c it was bigger and would be easier to raise a family there.

Elly loved this place too.

Countless great meals were shared here with family and friends while we lived here. And then again when we visited our tenants here. This house is much beloved by many.

We used to imagine hanging out on this patio with YOU.

The view from our backyard at the new house wasn't too shabby though.

We adore a gorgeous sunset. See how many we'd expose you to?

Our itsy bitsy baby girl. She works it like a good spaniel should. We'd love for her to have you to play with. Your future daddy has primed her to be great with kids as he is a total little boy with her.

Our old TV room. We were gonna plop you on that sofa and turn you into an ADD monster by propping your eyes open and cramming lots of Baby Einstein into your brain a la Clockwork Orange (one of your future daddy's favorite movies, BTW). Eeew. Future mommy is Gross. I know. See, nothing hidden here--laying it all out there for you, baby, you are coming from some kooky genes. But this is the sofa we'll be taking you home to. Sofa, meet Long-Awaited Baby, Baby, meet Sofa (one of the many nouns awaiting your arrival).

Oooh, the Yuppie LG front loading Washer + Dryer set. I did a whiney jig in the department store to get Dan to acquiesce to getting these. Purchased in September of '05 with our anniversary around the corner on October 14th, followed by Christmas, then my birthday, I traded receiving any gifts for those occasions to plant these beauts right here... ready to wash your cloth diapees. (Yes, cloth. We're a green family, gosh darned it.) Alas, they're still in that spot with renters getting to enjoy them in all their glory. (I have since read a story online about a 4 year old crawling into and dying via a front loader... so if they were still directly in our lives I would SO keep an eye on you in that old laundry room of ours!)

Our VOD bedroom we'll be taking you home to. If you're a boy, the pink is a COOL kinda pink. Don't worry, you're still a little dude. If you're a girl, OMG, do I have an OCD collection of accessories for YOU.

Our first renovation project. We redid the downstairs mother-in-law room at our first house. Our houseguests were so happy to spend the night in the new getaway vs. the crap collection room it had once been. (Note: You will, in all likelihood, have pack rat tendencies. You will need to fight the good fight. Just remember, editing is a good thing.)

Our 2nd nest. We so miss this place too. The view was a vast expanse of treeeees. Has a very tree house vibe. It was much more Dwellified than our first. The home was built in '59, it kind of demanded it. We'll be bringing you home to our 3rd nest, decorated with a blend of styles from nests #1 + #2 in the renovated Craftsman.

We adored the corner fireplace. Unfortunately my lungs couldn't handle using it too much. We don't think that's something you'll be inheriting. It probably happened because I spent my formative years living in the smoggiest part of LA in the '70s: San Gabriel Valley.

I loved this path to the kitchen (see the theme?) where your future daddy was always cooking up a meal that was way better than anything we eat at restaurants. We'd eat it in the dining room, candles usually lit, pretending we were in a tree house.

We'd love, more than anything, to have you join us eating Dan's awesome cooking, me showing you how to knit, him showing you how to surf, me showing you how to bargain shop, him showing you how to draw, me correcting your spelling, him showing you how use complicated software, me showing you how to decorate, us showing you how to laugh, love, be loved, and grow up to be a conscientious, wonderful human being.

There you have it, our dearest Embryos, you're extremely wanted. Tomorrow as you're transferred to my ready womb and you land in wonderment floating around getting your bearings, please grab on, please hang on, please stay put, and please arrive in good health to fill our feathered + long-awaiting nest.

Our TTC soundtrack (made me cry the whole friggin' time I was compiling it). Some tunes + videos to keep you entertained for these upcoming 9 months:


  1. I seriously doubt that ANY embryos could pass up a welcome like that!

  2. Hell, if I weren't already a full-blown person, I'd be taking you up on that offer. You've made such lovely homes! And the food sounds fabulous.

    Those are some very lucky embies.

  3. This was beautiful. Any little one would be lucky to have you. I sincerely hope that your baby is coming home for good tomorrow. Thinking good thoughts of hope for you.

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  5. Hi :) my question will be a little bit out of topic, but I really like your fireplace.. :) I was just curious about the size. It seems to be quite big, isn´t it? ;)