Here I finally sit at my desk in Los Angeles. I've been pretty crazed trying my best to hit all my marks. Pretty good so far. Need to put property taxes on credit cards. CRAP. Good news though--have a job in the green world. Getting paid a pittance, but there's awesome growth potential. Working for a friend who's quite prominent in this field. I have MUCH to learn. If all goes well, I'll be spewing out the acronyms like nobody's business.
Annnnd we adopted "consolation prize," Gavin. Or, as he's now known, "Finster." Whuhoo! He's been fabulous. He assimilated with our other puppers right away. He's absolutely adorable and a nice distraction as we hunker down into this "child-free" life.
Showing posts with label FET hope. Show all posts
Showing posts with label FET hope. Show all posts
Wednesday, April 8, 2009
Saturday, February 28, 2009
We SO are prepped for tomorrow's FET.
The stats as of Friday evening:
All embies thawed.
First two vials...
Got a call from Dr. Li this morning to ask us to come in 1/2 hour earlier... that we'll probably do an AH after all. On how many? Dunno. All questions will have answers soon enough. (Ooh, I sounded like a fortune cookie.)
At this point we're all, like, chah-eck... done prepping for that transfer schmansfer thing. What we really prepped for today was... wait for it... THE FOUR HOUR PURGATORY afterward.
Well, actually can't say this was Dan's prep. As a matter of fact, I'm sure he'd want me to specify that he neither condones, nor wants a thing to do with this form of prep.
Drumroll please...
Life & Style
Headline: The Octuplets' Mom OBSESSED WITH ANGELINA
People Style Watch
Headline: 325 New Spring LOOKS!
Who
Headline: MEET THE TWINS! Life is "hectic but marvellous" for the Jolie-Pitts, as Viv and Know make their public debut at 6 months
(I know, I'm hanging my head in shame as I write.)
Oh wait, here's some "redemption":
Lucky
Headline: 812 easy ways to look great right now
annnnnd (nope, don't redeem any of this with this last one):
ELLE SPRING FASHION ISSUE
Headline: 640+ JEANS, DRESSES, BAGS, JACKETS: HOW TO WEAR THE TOP TEN TRENDS
Ahhhhh, mind candy. I realize I could have, at the very least, bought Vanity Fair. And this shit wasn't cheap here to boot. But I figured: I've been free of this mindless junk for close to a year and I won't be able to focus on a book while waiting and I can read the remainder on the return 15 hour flight home in about 2 weeks.
So there.
A glimpse of our Day-Before-Transfer--photos taken at WuShi Harbor in Yilan:
All embies thawed.
First two vials...
- one, 11 cell
- three, 8 cell
- one, 7 cell
- two, 6 cell
- all four not looking pretty.
Got a call from Dr. Li this morning to ask us to come in 1/2 hour earlier... that we'll probably do an AH after all. On how many? Dunno. All questions will have answers soon enough. (Ooh, I sounded like a fortune cookie.)
At this point we're all, like, chah-eck... done prepping for that transfer schmansfer thing. What we really prepped for today was... wait for it... THE FOUR HOUR PURGATORY afterward.
Well, actually can't say this was Dan's prep. As a matter of fact, I'm sure he'd want me to specify that he neither condones, nor wants a thing to do with this form of prep.
Drumroll please...
Life & Style
Headline: The Octuplets' Mom OBSESSED WITH ANGELINA
People Style Watch
Headline: 325 New Spring LOOKS!
Who
Headline: MEET THE TWINS! Life is "hectic but marvellous" for the Jolie-Pitts, as Viv and Know make their public debut at 6 months
(I know, I'm hanging my head in shame as I write.)
Oh wait, here's some "redemption":
Lucky
Headline: 812 easy ways to look great right now
annnnnd (nope, don't redeem any of this with this last one):
ELLE SPRING FASHION ISSUE
Headline: 640+ JEANS, DRESSES, BAGS, JACKETS: HOW TO WEAR THE TOP TEN TRENDS
Ahhhhh, mind candy. I realize I could have, at the very least, bought Vanity Fair. And this shit wasn't cheap here to boot. But I figured: I've been free of this mindless junk for close to a year and I won't be able to focus on a book while waiting and I can read the remainder on the return 15 hour flight home in about 2 weeks.
So there.
A glimpse of our Day-Before-Transfer--photos taken at WuShi Harbor in Yilan:
Thursday, February 26, 2009
Good foundations start in the womb.
Here was my original concept:
Decking out my womb.
Started this post on 2/4/09 intending it to be a stab at optimism. A work in progress for the weeks leading up to the FET as I grow plushy lining in which to welcome our thawed embryos. I wanted them to "see" and "hear" the happy world that awaits them WHEN they nestle in and grow healthily to a real live birth.
I have mixed feelings about this approach--anthropomorphizing what amounts to mere technologically advanced dabs of multiple cells of our combined DNA--our totcicles. I am a FIRM believer in civil rights (I know, to some stating this is like saying I love rainbows and long walks on the beach. But the fact that Prop 8 in California didn't pass just shows not everyone has a solid understanding of what it means to believe in civil rights. Don't get me started on the hypocrisy...). Women's rights. Women's right to CHOOSE to have an abortion. The "right to life" vs. "freedom of choice." That term "right to life" was a manipulative term created by the right wingers who, I might add, played a huge role in creating this world-wide recession (yes, off point). The phrase "pro-life" implies we who believe women should have the right to choose what happens to their bodies DON'T BELIEVE IN LIFE... Implies we are, in fact, anti-life. From the top of my lungs, I scream to those herds, FUCK YOU!!! (Yeah, Fuck not cursing. So I only lasted one post.)
If I got knocked up before I was 26, I probably would have had an abortion. Once I hit around 27 I decided I'd go through with an unplanned pregnancy (though of course I was crazy-fastidious about protection [BCP+condoms]) and would either keep it or give it up for adoption. Once I met Dan, within the first 2 months we'd responsibly discussed if we accidentally got knocked up we'd definitely keep it and get married early (having known before our first date we were going to get married [we knew the first night we chatted at that fateful party where our parting gift was a pomegranate {which we ironically incorporated into our wedding "theme."}]) HA... 20/20 irony.
Real pomegranates we grew from a tree we planted in our beloved first nest. These bloomed right after we moved out. The new tenants? She got knocked up and her boyfriend told us how great the house was for fertility as I hugged her in congratulations.
Our fall wedding festooned with ripe, full, bursting with seeds, fertility-representing, pomegranates... still taking contraception b/c we thought we'd wait a bit longer to start a family. Sweet.
Though I personally was never faced with the decision to put my beliefs to the test, we still got tested while we were seeing RE #2. Dan was such a regular at a Starbucks in Encinitas that a Barrista disclosed to him she was pregnant and didn't know what to do. He immediately called me to see if we could offer to sponsor her and adopt. It seemed rash, but serendipitously well-timed. He made the offer. She said she'd think about it. He went back a week later and she told him she had an abortion. We were both really saddened. But we completely respected her choice. That particular path wasn't meant for us to follow.
I've read a lot of infertility blogs, but have yet to read about an IFer's take on abortion. It's such an Oprah topic for us women banging our heads against to wall, trying everything we can possibly try to just get fucking knocked up and deliver a baby, dammit. While simultaneously, there are countless girls out there aborting those precious pregnancies we all so long for.
The red flags have been slapping the wind gusts about reversing Roe v. Wade since abortion became legalized. I fear I've seen some flickers of red flapping in the breeze after Octomom and her doctor's abuse has been so publicized. There will always be abusers on both ends of the spectrum from Octomom to Serial Abortion Slut who uses abortion as a method of birth control. But just as it's our right to pursue ART, it's their right to receive legal abortions.
That addressed, I shall continue to flesh out this exercise in HOPE.
Here was my original text:
My goal: open my heart to HOPE. This is kinda the opposite of "having a consolation prize" lined up (Jetson got adopted, BTW--may be a sign).
Location, location, location.
found just the right neighborhood, great schools, perfect weather, clean, safe: √
Renovation.
estrogen/progesterone... nice lining will abound: √
Provisions for crew abundant.
fortifying sustenance + shelter (+ chocolate): √
vision + tools + budget... unlimited: √
Now the fun begins. Designing. Creating the playlist. Prepping this pad for their lifetime foundation. So that ain't gonna involve no fruffy puffy pale pastel crap.
It's free shopping time.
And here is what I arrived at on this, what I believe to be my day before transfer:
"Free" shopping ended up involving me shopping our lives.
The stuff wasn't "free" as in my original concept of flitting about the Internet snatching shots of covetable crap. I thought I'd have fun doing that, but anything that caught my eye was happily very close to what we already own, or have owned. So these are the feathers of the nests we've already created. Multiple nests. We've created four since we started TTC. Our most recent 4th is where our four-legged babies are patiently awaiting the return of our salty lickable faces, but I don't have any of those shots on this laptop...
Anthropomorphizing beginning... NOW.
To our dearest Multi-celled Thawed Embryos,
We have wanted you for SO long that we're doing our best to make sure you have the cushiest, fluffiest, thickest, badasssedest place to hunker down for the next 9 months.
We've provided you with images and sounds to entice you to stay and enjoy your ride. There are many wonderful nouns out there awaiting your arrival in this world. It just won't be the same without you.
We are keeping all appendages crossed in hopes that you like what you see and hear. Please hang on. We'll teach you tons, make you laugh and cry and hopefully make you super glad you decided to join us.
See. We have talented photographer friends who make us look cool in shots (that's just water, BTW).
Apartments we renovated: We walk the fine line in artistic craziness. Your life will never be boring with us.
We have lots of friends who work in many fields. You'll have various and interesting influences. These friends run a restaurant in Taiwan.
I even removed my naval ring in case the metal may bug you in nestling in. Trying to conceive you stimulates superstitions (had that done loooong after I left your grandparents home, BTW).
Your future daddy is so fun. All the kids love him. Even strangers he meets on the subway.
He thinks I'm very monkey-like. He means it as a compliment.
Wo XiWang. I Hope. Jewelry designer friend's handwriting.
Future daddy wants to teach you to be a world-class surfer.
Future mommy wants to teach you how to knit.
Our favorite place to harden our arteries in Encinitas. The 101. If you join us, we promise to eat less Eggs Benedict.
Rich Taiwanese boss-lady's sanctuary. Even have some friends in high places. Ooooh, the nepotism possibilities.
Ah Susan. The heart + soul of the VOD. She'll watch you when I need to run a bunch of errands.
Your future daddy is in the kitchen brewing coffee and making one of his wonderful breakfasts. He's a gifted cook.
Our VOD nest. Your future daddy's favorite of them all.
We'll rock you to sleep on a sunny lazy afternoon.
Beacon's beach. We'll watch many gorgeous sunsets with our friends and neighbors. Leucadia is a wonderful community.
There will be lots of other kids for you to play with.
See, if you stick around, that could be where we were sitting with you bouncing on my lap (with a hat + tons of sunscreen, BTW) watching daddy surf. But we're not pictured b/c we're wading in the ocean as the waves lap at our feet, both lost in giggles as I try to spot daddy to point out to you.
Your fur brother, Zeke + sister, Tallulah. OMG, they're the greatest dogs ever. You'll SO fall in love with them, and they, you.
Old, old, Elly. She's been with your future mom for 18 whole years. For an old lady, she's really great with kids. We think you two will love each other too.
The "fertile" room. (Well, at least for someone.) This was where we first started trying to have you. (Yeah, I know. You don't even want to think about THAAHT!)
Gorgeous sunset taken from the porch of our beloved, and much-missed first nest.
Oh how we miss this place. We moved out and our renters now get to enjoy it. We moved next door b/c it was bigger and would be easier to raise a family there.
Elly loved this place too.
Countless great meals were shared here with family and friends while we lived here. And then again when we visited our tenants here. This house is much beloved by many.
We used to imagine hanging out on this patio with YOU.
The view from our backyard at the new house wasn't too shabby though.
We adore a gorgeous sunset. See how many we'd expose you to?
Our itsy bitsy baby girl. She works it like a good spaniel should. We'd love for her to have you to play with. Your future daddy has primed her to be great with kids as he is a total little boy with her.
Our old TV room. We were gonna plop you on that sofa and turn you into an ADD monster by propping your eyes open and cramming lots of Baby Einstein into your brain a la Clockwork Orange (one of your future daddy's favorite movies, BTW). Eeew. Future mommy is Gross. I know. See, nothing hidden here--laying it all out there for you, baby, you are coming from some kooky genes. But this is the sofa we'll be taking you home to. Sofa, meet Long-Awaited Baby, Baby, meet Sofa (one of the many nouns awaiting your arrival).
Oooh, the Yuppie LG front loading Washer + Dryer set. I did a whiney jig in the department store to get Dan to acquiesce to getting these. Purchased in September of '05 with our anniversary around the corner on October 14th, followed by Christmas, then my birthday, I traded receiving any gifts for those occasions to plant these beauts right here... ready to wash your cloth diapees. (Yes, cloth. We're a green family, gosh darned it.) Alas, they're still in that spot with renters getting to enjoy them in all their glory. (I have since read a story online about a 4 year old crawling into and dying via a front loader... so if they were still directly in our lives I would SO keep an eye on you in that old laundry room of ours!)
Our VOD bedroom we'll be taking you home to. If you're a boy, the pink is a COOL kinda pink. Don't worry, you're still a little dude. If you're a girl, OMG, do I have an OCD collection of accessories for YOU.
Our first renovation project. We redid the downstairs mother-in-law room at our first house. Our houseguests were so happy to spend the night in the new getaway vs. the crap collection room it had once been. (Note: You will, in all likelihood, have pack rat tendencies. You will need to fight the good fight. Just remember, editing is a good thing.)
Our 2nd nest. We so miss this place too. The view was a vast expanse of treeeees. Has a very tree house vibe. It was much more Dwellified than our first. The home was built in '59, it kind of demanded it. We'll be bringing you home to our 3rd nest, decorated with a blend of styles from nests #1 + #2 in the renovated Craftsman.
We adored the corner fireplace. Unfortunately my lungs couldn't handle using it too much. We don't think that's something you'll be inheriting. It probably happened because I spent my formative years living in the smoggiest part of LA in the '70s: San Gabriel Valley.
I loved this path to the kitchen (see the theme?) where your future daddy was always cooking up a meal that was way better than anything we eat at restaurants. We'd eat it in the dining room, candles usually lit, pretending we were in a tree house.
We'd love, more than anything, to have you join us eating Dan's awesome cooking, me showing you how to knit, him showing you how to surf, me showing you how to bargain shop, him showing you how to draw, me correcting your spelling, him showing you how use complicated software, me showing you how to decorate, us showing you how to laugh, love, be loved, and grow up to be a conscientious, wonderful human being.
There you have it, our dearest Embryos, you're extremely wanted. Tomorrow as you're transferred to my ready womb and you land in wonderment floating around getting your bearings, please grab on, please hang on, please stay put, and please arrive in good health to fill our feathered + long-awaiting nest.
Our TTC soundtrack (made me cry the whole friggin' time I was compiling it). Some tunes + videos to keep you entertained for these upcoming 9 months:
Decking out my womb.
Started this post on 2/4/09 intending it to be a stab at optimism. A work in progress for the weeks leading up to the FET as I grow plushy lining in which to welcome our thawed embryos. I wanted them to "see" and "hear" the happy world that awaits them WHEN they nestle in and grow healthily to a real live birth.
I have mixed feelings about this approach--anthropomorphizing what amounts to mere technologically advanced dabs of multiple cells of our combined DNA--our totcicles. I am a FIRM believer in civil rights (I know, to some stating this is like saying I love rainbows and long walks on the beach. But the fact that Prop 8 in California didn't pass just shows not everyone has a solid understanding of what it means to believe in civil rights. Don't get me started on the hypocrisy...). Women's rights. Women's right to CHOOSE to have an abortion. The "right to life" vs. "freedom of choice." That term "right to life" was a manipulative term created by the right wingers who, I might add, played a huge role in creating this world-wide recession (yes, off point). The phrase "pro-life" implies we who believe women should have the right to choose what happens to their bodies DON'T BELIEVE IN LIFE... Implies we are, in fact, anti-life. From the top of my lungs, I scream to those herds, FUCK YOU!!! (Yeah, Fuck not cursing. So I only lasted one post.)
If I got knocked up before I was 26, I probably would have had an abortion. Once I hit around 27 I decided I'd go through with an unplanned pregnancy (though of course I was crazy-fastidious about protection [BCP+condoms]) and would either keep it or give it up for adoption. Once I met Dan, within the first 2 months we'd responsibly discussed if we accidentally got knocked up we'd definitely keep it and get married early (having known before our first date we were going to get married [we knew the first night we chatted at that fateful party where our parting gift was a pomegranate {which we ironically incorporated into our wedding "theme."}]) HA... 20/20 irony.
Real pomegranates we grew from a tree we planted in our beloved first nest. These bloomed right after we moved out. The new tenants? She got knocked up and her boyfriend told us how great the house was for fertility as I hugged her in congratulations.
Our fall wedding festooned with ripe, full, bursting with seeds, fertility-representing, pomegranates... still taking contraception b/c we thought we'd wait a bit longer to start a family. Sweet.
Though I personally was never faced with the decision to put my beliefs to the test, we still got tested while we were seeing RE #2. Dan was such a regular at a Starbucks in Encinitas that a Barrista disclosed to him she was pregnant and didn't know what to do. He immediately called me to see if we could offer to sponsor her and adopt. It seemed rash, but serendipitously well-timed. He made the offer. She said she'd think about it. He went back a week later and she told him she had an abortion. We were both really saddened. But we completely respected her choice. That particular path wasn't meant for us to follow.
I've read a lot of infertility blogs, but have yet to read about an IFer's take on abortion. It's such an Oprah topic for us women banging our heads against to wall, trying everything we can possibly try to just get fucking knocked up and deliver a baby, dammit. While simultaneously, there are countless girls out there aborting those precious pregnancies we all so long for.
The red flags have been slapping the wind gusts about reversing Roe v. Wade since abortion became legalized. I fear I've seen some flickers of red flapping in the breeze after Octomom and her doctor's abuse has been so publicized. There will always be abusers on both ends of the spectrum from Octomom to Serial Abortion Slut who uses abortion as a method of birth control. But just as it's our right to pursue ART, it's their right to receive legal abortions.
That addressed, I shall continue to flesh out this exercise in HOPE.
Here was my original text:
My goal: open my heart to HOPE. This is kinda the opposite of "having a consolation prize" lined up (Jetson got adopted, BTW--may be a sign).
Location, location, location.
found just the right neighborhood, great schools, perfect weather, clean, safe: √
Renovation.
estrogen/progesterone... nice lining will abound: √
Provisions for crew abundant.
fortifying sustenance + shelter (+ chocolate): √
vision + tools + budget... unlimited: √
Now the fun begins. Designing. Creating the playlist. Prepping this pad for their lifetime foundation. So that ain't gonna involve no fruffy puffy pale pastel crap.
It's free shopping time.
And here is what I arrived at on this, what I believe to be my day before transfer:
"Free" shopping ended up involving me shopping our lives.
The stuff wasn't "free" as in my original concept of flitting about the Internet snatching shots of covetable crap. I thought I'd have fun doing that, but anything that caught my eye was happily very close to what we already own, or have owned. So these are the feathers of the nests we've already created. Multiple nests. We've created four since we started TTC. Our most recent 4th is where our four-legged babies are patiently awaiting the return of our salty lickable faces, but I don't have any of those shots on this laptop...
Anthropomorphizing beginning... NOW.
To our dearest Multi-celled Thawed Embryos,
We have wanted you for SO long that we're doing our best to make sure you have the cushiest, fluffiest, thickest, badasssedest place to hunker down for the next 9 months.
We've provided you with images and sounds to entice you to stay and enjoy your ride. There are many wonderful nouns out there awaiting your arrival in this world. It just won't be the same without you.
We are keeping all appendages crossed in hopes that you like what you see and hear. Please hang on. We'll teach you tons, make you laugh and cry and hopefully make you super glad you decided to join us.
See. We have talented photographer friends who make us look cool in shots (that's just water, BTW).
Apartments we renovated: We walk the fine line in artistic craziness. Your life will never be boring with us.
We have lots of friends who work in many fields. You'll have various and interesting influences. These friends run a restaurant in Taiwan.
I even removed my naval ring in case the metal may bug you in nestling in. Trying to conceive you stimulates superstitions (had that done loooong after I left your grandparents home, BTW).
Your future daddy is so fun. All the kids love him. Even strangers he meets on the subway.
He thinks I'm very monkey-like. He means it as a compliment.
Wo XiWang. I Hope. Jewelry designer friend's handwriting.
Future daddy wants to teach you to be a world-class surfer.
Future mommy wants to teach you how to knit.
Our favorite place to harden our arteries in Encinitas. The 101. If you join us, we promise to eat less Eggs Benedict.
Rich Taiwanese boss-lady's sanctuary. Even have some friends in high places. Ooooh, the nepotism possibilities.
Ah Susan. The heart + soul of the VOD. She'll watch you when I need to run a bunch of errands.
Your future daddy is in the kitchen brewing coffee and making one of his wonderful breakfasts. He's a gifted cook.
Our VOD nest. Your future daddy's favorite of them all.
We'll rock you to sleep on a sunny lazy afternoon.
Beacon's beach. We'll watch many gorgeous sunsets with our friends and neighbors. Leucadia is a wonderful community.
There will be lots of other kids for you to play with.
See, if you stick around, that could be where we were sitting with you bouncing on my lap (with a hat + tons of sunscreen, BTW) watching daddy surf. But we're not pictured b/c we're wading in the ocean as the waves lap at our feet, both lost in giggles as I try to spot daddy to point out to you.
Your fur brother, Zeke + sister, Tallulah. OMG, they're the greatest dogs ever. You'll SO fall in love with them, and they, you.
Old, old, Elly. She's been with your future mom for 18 whole years. For an old lady, she's really great with kids. We think you two will love each other too.
The "fertile" room. (Well, at least for someone.) This was where we first started trying to have you. (Yeah, I know. You don't even want to think about THAAHT!)
Gorgeous sunset taken from the porch of our beloved, and much-missed first nest.
Oh how we miss this place. We moved out and our renters now get to enjoy it. We moved next door b/c it was bigger and would be easier to raise a family there.
Elly loved this place too.
Countless great meals were shared here with family and friends while we lived here. And then again when we visited our tenants here. This house is much beloved by many.
We used to imagine hanging out on this patio with YOU.
The view from our backyard at the new house wasn't too shabby though.
We adore a gorgeous sunset. See how many we'd expose you to?
Our itsy bitsy baby girl. She works it like a good spaniel should. We'd love for her to have you to play with. Your future daddy has primed her to be great with kids as he is a total little boy with her.
Our old TV room. We were gonna plop you on that sofa and turn you into an ADD monster by propping your eyes open and cramming lots of Baby Einstein into your brain a la Clockwork Orange (one of your future daddy's favorite movies, BTW). Eeew. Future mommy is Gross. I know. See, nothing hidden here--laying it all out there for you, baby, you are coming from some kooky genes. But this is the sofa we'll be taking you home to. Sofa, meet Long-Awaited Baby, Baby, meet Sofa (one of the many nouns awaiting your arrival).
Oooh, the Yuppie LG front loading Washer + Dryer set. I did a whiney jig in the department store to get Dan to acquiesce to getting these. Purchased in September of '05 with our anniversary around the corner on October 14th, followed by Christmas, then my birthday, I traded receiving any gifts for those occasions to plant these beauts right here... ready to wash your cloth diapees. (Yes, cloth. We're a green family, gosh darned it.) Alas, they're still in that spot with renters getting to enjoy them in all their glory. (I have since read a story online about a 4 year old crawling into and dying via a front loader... so if they were still directly in our lives I would SO keep an eye on you in that old laundry room of ours!)
Our VOD bedroom we'll be taking you home to. If you're a boy, the pink is a COOL kinda pink. Don't worry, you're still a little dude. If you're a girl, OMG, do I have an OCD collection of accessories for YOU.
Our first renovation project. We redid the downstairs mother-in-law room at our first house. Our houseguests were so happy to spend the night in the new getaway vs. the crap collection room it had once been. (Note: You will, in all likelihood, have pack rat tendencies. You will need to fight the good fight. Just remember, editing is a good thing.)
Our 2nd nest. We so miss this place too. The view was a vast expanse of treeeees. Has a very tree house vibe. It was much more Dwellified than our first. The home was built in '59, it kind of demanded it. We'll be bringing you home to our 3rd nest, decorated with a blend of styles from nests #1 + #2 in the renovated Craftsman.
We adored the corner fireplace. Unfortunately my lungs couldn't handle using it too much. We don't think that's something you'll be inheriting. It probably happened because I spent my formative years living in the smoggiest part of LA in the '70s: San Gabriel Valley.
I loved this path to the kitchen (see the theme?) where your future daddy was always cooking up a meal that was way better than anything we eat at restaurants. We'd eat it in the dining room, candles usually lit, pretending we were in a tree house.
We'd love, more than anything, to have you join us eating Dan's awesome cooking, me showing you how to knit, him showing you how to surf, me showing you how to bargain shop, him showing you how to draw, me correcting your spelling, him showing you how use complicated software, me showing you how to decorate, us showing you how to laugh, love, be loved, and grow up to be a conscientious, wonderful human being.
There you have it, our dearest Embryos, you're extremely wanted. Tomorrow as you're transferred to my ready womb and you land in wonderment floating around getting your bearings, please grab on, please hang on, please stay put, and please arrive in good health to fill our feathered + long-awaiting nest.
Our TTC soundtrack (made me cry the whole friggin' time I was compiling it). Some tunes + videos to keep you entertained for these upcoming 9 months:
Tuesday, February 17, 2009
Tuesday, February 10, 2009
Always photo finishes in Sci-fi
Haven't been sitting around popping the bon-bons moping about perpetual bad hair days ahead. But have been sitting around in front of the computer working on my pet project: Go Greenify. Got AF on the 9th in the AM so started the 0.1cc of Lupron on day 1 and will continue that dose everyday until CD9. Then started the estrogen 2x/day on day 2. Had blood drawn for FSH on day 2, yesterday. Finally discovered my LONG awaited result... Blood Type: A+. TaDa. Earth shattering. (Have I mentioned they don't wear the latex gloves when they do blood draws here?!?!? I mean, they didn't even prior to finding out I'm NOT HIV pos.!) Now I'm on CD3 and I'm practically done w/ my period. HUH? Hasn't been this light since I was on the pill. Anyone know if this is normal after IVF?
Back to Go Greenify... If I AM going to be bringing a kid into this world then now, more than ever, I'm compelled to do everything I can to help make it a better one for them. I intend to continue to mitigate the additional carbon footprint that mini consumer would be contributing to. If it doesn't come to pass, then I'm helping mitigate the footprint of our new niece we still have yet to meet in person. "If it doesn't come to pass..." I'm starting to accept that by being a pragmatist, it doesn't mean I'm not a hopeful person. I mean, I'm decorating my womb for Christ sakes! That's hopeful, right? I just naturally acknowledge reality. And the reality here involves statistics. Statistically speaking, our chances aren't too promising.
If we were locked into fully buying the statistics, we wouldn't have come this far. Which leaves me to delve beyond the world of pragmatism, into facing something I like to simply refer to as LUCK. That unquantifiable alignment of events beyond our control--events that we have the hubris to hope actually come to pass.
What exactly are we Heathens doing trying to employ this little thing called hope, faith, belief, throwing spaghetti at the wall and seeing if it sticks?
We're TRYING. Trying and failing is way the hell better than not trying at all.
But then I'm left with HOW hard are we going to try? Well, harvesting then ICSIing a bunch of eggs is trying pretty fucking hard. But there's more. This part. The hope + faith + belief part. This mental leap of faith part is the toughest for a realist. So admittedly I'm back to my aforementioned struggle with HOPE. Honestly don't think I'm wired for that to ever go away--which is not to be confused with my being a pessimist. I think I'm just the opposite. Case in point, working in the "green" world is playing my part in hoping we improve Earth's environment. Is optimism the same thing as hope? Is hope the same thing as faith? Wasn't the catch phrase on the Sci-fi show, X-Files, "I Believe."? And didn't they always make it out of their down to the wire scenarios? And didn't Scully, the NON-BELIEVER, finally believe at the end of the series?
Ironically, as we're undergoing science fictionesque treatment (c'mon. injecting the choice sperm into surgically harvested eggs...), I'm finding myself using tons of Sci-fi analogies. Here's one: When I'm feeling boxed in and as if I'm losing my battle, I feel like I'm in the trash compactor that Luke and Princess Leah were panicking in as it was threatening to squeeze the life out of them... But theeeeen they manage to get out just in the nick of time and they move onto their next adventure--stinky, but alive and hopeful they'll conquer their next challenge.
Well, that's how I'm feeling right about now: Hoping for my Sci-fi-impossibly-close-call-with-doom-only-to-have-a-photo-finish-win.
Back to Go Greenify... If I AM going to be bringing a kid into this world then now, more than ever, I'm compelled to do everything I can to help make it a better one for them. I intend to continue to mitigate the additional carbon footprint that mini consumer would be contributing to. If it doesn't come to pass, then I'm helping mitigate the footprint of our new niece we still have yet to meet in person. "If it doesn't come to pass..." I'm starting to accept that by being a pragmatist, it doesn't mean I'm not a hopeful person. I mean, I'm decorating my womb for Christ sakes! That's hopeful, right? I just naturally acknowledge reality. And the reality here involves statistics. Statistically speaking, our chances aren't too promising.
If we were locked into fully buying the statistics, we wouldn't have come this far. Which leaves me to delve beyond the world of pragmatism, into facing something I like to simply refer to as LUCK. That unquantifiable alignment of events beyond our control--events that we have the hubris to hope actually come to pass.
What exactly are we Heathens doing trying to employ this little thing called hope, faith, belief, throwing spaghetti at the wall and seeing if it sticks?
We're TRYING. Trying and failing is way the hell better than not trying at all.
But then I'm left with HOW hard are we going to try? Well, harvesting then ICSIing a bunch of eggs is trying pretty fucking hard. But there's more. This part. The hope + faith + belief part. This mental leap of faith part is the toughest for a realist. So admittedly I'm back to my aforementioned struggle with HOPE. Honestly don't think I'm wired for that to ever go away--which is not to be confused with my being a pessimist. I think I'm just the opposite. Case in point, working in the "green" world is playing my part in hoping we improve Earth's environment. Is optimism the same thing as hope? Is hope the same thing as faith? Wasn't the catch phrase on the Sci-fi show, X-Files, "I Believe."? And didn't they always make it out of their down to the wire scenarios? And didn't Scully, the NON-BELIEVER, finally believe at the end of the series?
Ironically, as we're undergoing science fictionesque treatment (c'mon. injecting the choice sperm into surgically harvested eggs...), I'm finding myself using tons of Sci-fi analogies. Here's one: When I'm feeling boxed in and as if I'm losing my battle, I feel like I'm in the trash compactor that Luke and Princess Leah were panicking in as it was threatening to squeeze the life out of them... But theeeeen they manage to get out just in the nick of time and they move onto their next adventure--stinky, but alive and hopeful they'll conquer their next challenge.
Well, that's how I'm feeling right about now: Hoping for my Sci-fi-impossibly-close-call-with-doom-only-to-have-a-photo-finish-win.
Thursday, February 5, 2009
Bad hair day for over 275 days. I'll take it.
Finally got my hair trimmed. Still growing it out, but they keep cutting off too much. I had some funky chunky steaks of reddish copper put in about 3 months ago. When the IVF didn't take, I figured at least I could turn the lemons into lemonade and get the streaks covered up to match the 1.5 inches of dark brown roots that had grown out of my head. I wanted as close to my natural color as possible so if (oops, when) I do get pregnant, I won't be stuck with the tacky line marking the passage of time.
I thought I was getting my desires clearly communicated as the receptionist speaks English and I'm great at miming. But I keep forgetting that when most people speak English well here, it's still quite lacking and they don't like to admit when they've gotten lost in translation. Saving face is big in their culture.
I'm now a fake red head. Ok. Bright auburn. And now have bangs. And in an Oedipal twist, my new do now pretty much looks just like how my MIL always wore her hair... on top of my already resembling her. Hmmm.
Does part of my visualizing getting pregnant involve embracing watching that tacky line move down my head?
I thought I was getting my desires clearly communicated as the receptionist speaks English and I'm great at miming. But I keep forgetting that when most people speak English well here, it's still quite lacking and they don't like to admit when they've gotten lost in translation. Saving face is big in their culture.
I'm now a fake red head. Ok. Bright auburn. And now have bangs. And in an Oedipal twist, my new do now pretty much looks just like how my MIL always wore her hair... on top of my already resembling her. Hmmm.
Does part of my visualizing getting pregnant involve embracing watching that tacky line move down my head?
Wednesday, February 4, 2009
Recycled comment posts: lazy and/or narcissistic?
So is turning around + reusing a comment I originally posted on another's blog on my own considered cheating and/or straight up narcissism (so in love with my own thoughts)? I mean I am all for being green and recycling...
I had a kind new reader comment on my post from yesterday and when I checked out her blog in return, I posted the following:
I'm going to practice what I preach and work on my defrosted embryos decked out pad. They're going to have the coolest decor w/ a Bose surround sound system. NO TV yet. We don't want embryos w/ ADD.
ADDENDUM
My aforementioned mother's (she's my step-mom who did the hard lifting raising me, so I hate using that term b/c of the negative connotations. She'll be our baby's grandmother. Our baby's only grandmother, actually) "hope coaching" is sinking in. I let her know I posted another prompted by the "hope seeds" she has been gently planting:
When I wrote the following line on my womb decor post, "My goal: open my heart to HOPE. This is kinda the opposite of 'having a consolation prize' lined up (Jetson got adopted, BTW--may be a sign)," It really helped illuminate for me how much I walled myself off and expected the shoe to fall so I wouldn't be as crushed if the IVF didn't work that first time.
But having that kind of thinking really cuts me off from being totally committed to having it work. To HOPE it works. To not let my fears about it working successfully get in the way of it working.*
And being totally committed involves allowing oneself to truly HOPE for ultimate success.
*"In the end, it is a story about marriage, and — more important — about the necessary optimism that is required of thoughtful, observant people who decide (despite what they know) to have children."
I had a kind new reader comment on my post from yesterday and when I checked out her blog in return, I posted the following:
Thanks for dropping in + commenting on my blog. Checking yours out... Never fails to boggle my mind what kind of CRAP we IFers go thru. 4th IVF. So sorry. And kudos to you for your fortitude.
All of our bodies and situations are SO different (and within ourselves from cycle to cycle). If I actually got pg. on mine and told you what worked for me, it so doesn't mean it would for you.
The really screwed up thing is, there's something you did or didn't do in IVF 1-3 that might or might not work for #4. It starts to become a "witch doctor" practice.
Here's my input:
Project yourself into the future asking yourself if you did everything you possibly could have to have achieve a pregnancy. Whatever actions will give you a "YES," follow that path. My motto: follow the path of least regrets.
You have all the answers you need: Listen to your gut.
If you're even questioning artificial sweeteners--CUT THEM OUT. I say, whatever crosses your mind as an "iffy" something over which you CAN exert CONTROL, grab the control and run.
Beyond that VISUALIZE healthy, dividing embryos happily nestling into the plushy lining of your ready womb. Have music playing in a surround sound for them. Hmmm. Making this part up. Maybe we can assign ourselves a playlist to welcome them to their new home for the next 9 months...
So, in summary: DO EVERYTHING YOU CAN and let go of everything you can't. Keep the faith!
I'm going to practice what I preach and work on my defrosted embryos decked out pad. They're going to have the coolest decor w/ a Bose surround sound system. NO TV yet. We don't want embryos w/ ADD.
ADDENDUM
My aforementioned mother's (she's my step-mom who did the hard lifting raising me, so I hate using that term b/c of the negative connotations. She'll be our baby's grandmother. Our baby's only grandmother, actually) "hope coaching" is sinking in. I let her know I posted another prompted by the "hope seeds" she has been gently planting:
When I wrote the following line on my womb decor post, "My goal: open my heart to HOPE. This is kinda the opposite of 'having a consolation prize' lined up (Jetson got adopted, BTW--may be a sign)," It really helped illuminate for me how much I walled myself off and expected the shoe to fall so I wouldn't be as crushed if the IVF didn't work that first time.
But having that kind of thinking really cuts me off from being totally committed to having it work. To HOPE it works. To not let my fears about it working successfully get in the way of it working.*
And being totally committed involves allowing oneself to truly HOPE for ultimate success.
*"In the end, it is a story about marriage, and — more important — about the necessary optimism that is required of thoughtful, observant people who decide (despite what they know) to have children."
—John Irving, author's notes about "Interior Space" (1980) in Trying to Save Piggy Sneed.
Sunday, January 18, 2009
Double day: 41st b-day AND 7 year TTC anniversary
I think back to the 7 years when we officially began our TTC journey and oh the naive kids we were waaaay back.
Note to the non-IF girlies: don't add the momentous occasion of trying to start a family on top of another celebratory day.
That said, had a wonderful b-day weekend! It wasn't especially planned and came off as if it were a finely oiled machine. Way to go, Sweetie!
I think having those embies on ice awaiting the transfer in February made the TTC anniversary way easier to swallow this year. That little thing called "HOPE" does have a nice bolstering effect. Instead of a waaaah-fest, it was more of a, CRAP, does time fly! I'm no longer a 40 year old; I'm officially in my "early 40s," pass the anti-gravity creams, pronto.
Ugh. Just writing that thwacked me on the head, making me think: "I can't believe we don't have kids yet... and I need to go to bed earlier. If it works in Feb., how the hell am I gonna have the energy? Speaking of bed, I'm tired."
Yes, I'm usually up way past this hour. But we shared a bottle of Merlot at dinner in Danshui, so it's the wine damn it... not a sign of being a decrepit "early 40s" old lady.
Note to the non-IF girlies: don't add the momentous occasion of trying to start a family on top of another celebratory day.
That said, had a wonderful b-day weekend! It wasn't especially planned and came off as if it were a finely oiled machine. Way to go, Sweetie!
I think having those embies on ice awaiting the transfer in February made the TTC anniversary way easier to swallow this year. That little thing called "HOPE" does have a nice bolstering effect. Instead of a waaaah-fest, it was more of a, CRAP, does time fly! I'm no longer a 40 year old; I'm officially in my "early 40s," pass the anti-gravity creams, pronto.
Ugh. Just writing that thwacked me on the head, making me think: "I can't believe we don't have kids yet... and I need to go to bed earlier. If it works in Feb., how the hell am I gonna have the energy? Speaking of bed, I'm tired."
Yes, I'm usually up way past this hour. But we shared a bottle of Merlot at dinner in Danshui, so it's the wine damn it... not a sign of being a decrepit "early 40s" old lady.
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