Tuesday, February 10, 2009

Always photo finishes in Sci-fi

Haven't been sitting around popping the bon-bons moping about perpetual bad hair days ahead. But have been sitting around in front of the computer working on my pet project: Go Greenify. Got AF on the 9th in the AM so started the 0.1cc of Lupron on day 1 and will continue that dose everyday until CD9. Then started the estrogen 2x/day on day 2. Had blood drawn for FSH on day 2, yesterday. Finally discovered my LONG awaited result... Blood Type: A+. TaDa. Earth shattering. (Have I mentioned they don't wear the latex gloves when they do blood draws here?!?!? I mean, they didn't even prior to finding out I'm NOT HIV pos.!) Now I'm on CD3 and I'm practically done w/ my period. HUH? Hasn't been this light since I was on the pill. Anyone know if this is normal after IVF?

Back to Go Greenify... If I AM going to be bringing a kid into this world then now, more than ever, I'm compelled to do everything I can to help make it a better one for them. I intend to continue to mitigate the additional carbon footprint that mini consumer would be contributing to. If it doesn't come to pass, then I'm helping mitigate the footprint of our new niece we still have yet to meet in person. "If it doesn't come to pass..." I'm starting to accept that by being a pragmatist, it doesn't mean I'm not a hopeful person. I mean, I'm decorating my womb for Christ sakes! That's hopeful, right? I just naturally acknowledge reality. And the reality here involves statistics. Statistically speaking, our chances aren't too promising.

If we were locked into fully buying the statistics, we wouldn't have come this far. Which leaves me to delve beyond the world of pragmatism, into facing something I like to simply refer to as LUCK. That unquantifiable alignment of events beyond our control--events that we have the hubris to hope actually come to pass.

What exactly are we Heathens doing trying to employ this little thing called hope, faith, belief, throwing spaghetti at the wall and seeing if it sticks?

We're TRYING. Trying and failing is way the hell better than not trying at all.

But then I'm left with HOW hard are we going to try? Well, harvesting then ICSIing a bunch of eggs is trying pretty fucking hard. But there's more. This part. The hope + faith + belief part. This mental leap of faith part is the toughest for a realist. So admittedly I'm back to my aforementioned struggle with HOPE. Honestly don't think I'm wired for that to ever go away--which is not to be confused with my being a pessimist. I think I'm just the opposite. Case in point, working in the "green" world is playing my part in hoping we improve Earth's environment. Is optimism the same thing as hope? Is hope the same thing as faith? Wasn't the catch phrase on the Sci-fi show, X-Files, "I Believe."? And didn't they always make it out of their down to the wire scenarios? And didn't Scully, the NON-BELIEVER, finally believe at the end of the series?

Ironically, as we're undergoing science fictionesque treatment (c'mon. injecting the choice sperm into surgically harvested eggs...), I'm finding myself using tons of Sci-fi analogies. Here's one: When I'm feeling boxed in and as if I'm losing my battle, I feel like I'm in the trash compactor that Luke and Princess Leah were panicking in as it was threatening to squeeze the life out of them... But theeeeen they manage to get out just in the nick of time and they move onto their next adventure--stinky, but alive and hopeful they'll conquer their next challenge.

Well, that's how I'm feeling right about now: Hoping for my Sci-fi-impossibly-close-call-with-doom-only-to-have-a-photo-finish-win.

1 comment:

  1. It's all about the balance. If it won't kill you, you have to try and hope.

    I'm with you on the green campaign.

    On a side note, sci-fi is the only thing that has gotten me through all this shit. I don't know what I would have done without Babylon 5, Star Trek the Whatever, and BSG.