Tuesday, January 20, 2009

WTF??! You* are still very much a woman if you never have a baby. Now go put on your lipstick and get a life, dammit.

On the blog, Coming2Terms, which I read regularly, Pamela Jeanne posted this:

I missed this Newsweek article, What it Means to be a Woman, which ran in September...

She then added her own poll at the top of the post...

I took the poll, answering a resounding, "No."

As we're lucky enough to be enlightened Americans, when I hit the results I was optimistically expecting to see the "Nos" in the lead.

No such.

Not one to be shy, I hastily threw down my comment, the only thus far, on her poll:

1/20/2009 2:18:19 PM ET

C'mon, ladies. unlike Coming 2 Terms, I was not raised to be a lady. So here's what I think about all you weenies who answered a whopping 64% "yes": Oh, alright, I'll refrain from indulging in using expletives. Ovaries up, sisters. So you're telling us that if it's male factor infertility, your self-perception result is marred womanliness. RiFRIGGINdiculous. Moreover, if YOUR reproductive system isn't obliging, put on some heels, a bra, and lipstick and look in the mirror: Guess what?!?! That's right. You're a woman.

Well, keep fighting the good fight, Pamela. It's beyond dismaying how much societal stigma is attached to *whisper* b-e-i-n-g i-n-f-e-r-t-i-l-e.

A mere 25% out of 91 agreed with me. 64% said "yes" and there were 11% who don't know their own minds (maybe that's why they don't feel like a woman--a woman knows her mind; waffling is for girls). These were probably some of the same on-the-fencers who still don't know who they want to be President.

If you're a fellow IFer and my anger seems to be coming from left field... let me shed some light:

It's bad enough we're "betrayed" by our bodies (ours AND/OR our mate's) not performing as expected and it's bad enough we're "betrayed" by our "sisters-in-arms" when they pretend they had a litter (fine, just twins), naturally. But it's offensively, irritatingly, gratingly, lemon and salt on an open wound, outright BETRAYAL to ourselves if we buy into the kind of BULLSHIT, fucked up (see, haven't failed any parent here--as I said, wasn't raised to be a "lady," but I WAS raised to be a WOMAN) thinking that leads to what essentially amounts to our berating ourselves for being "lesser than."

Fucked up bull shit.

And I plead to any IFer whose reply to the poll would either be "YES," or "ON THE FENCE" to pull themselves up by the bootstraps and demand more from themselves. DON'T GIVE IN TO ANTIQUATED THINKING.

I can safely say you're strong enough to rise above that. You deal/have dealt with the roller coaster that is infertility--which means you have already confirmed my assertion is accurate... You are fine just the way you are--with or without a baby.

If I'm pissing you off because I've hit a nerve: GOOD. Now maybe you can pull your head out and see the other side. If you're still pissed, go put some lipstick on, march out into the big bad world and get some hobbies, for God's sake woman.

And feel free to rant back. I welcome comments, good and bad. If it weren't for a select few (hi, Lea!) I'd think I'm writing to crickets lollygagging on tumbleweed!

*My bone to pick applies to American woman only. As we infertile woman in this culture DO have a choice in how and where we want to place our big, fat "B" for Barren.


  1. You've brought a whole new dimension to the conversation. I know one woman who lost her repro plumbing in her late 20s due to illness and she decided after getting over the shock of it all to evolve from Barren to Baroness. She's gorgeous, funny and ever bit a woman. Quite the role model.

  2. Here, here! I know that I am 100% woman, and that the most amazing, the sexiest, the most intelligent women in history (for the most part) have NOT been mothers.

    We need to make ourselves get a life--not a job, not a kid, not a man, but a LIFE.

  3. You gals rock!

    Pamela (and your wonderful Baroness friend) + Shinejil, you're my kind of women. Thank the Gods and Heathens we can be here to cheer each other on.