Tuesday, December 30, 2008

Sidenotes a la OCD: extra controlled crispiness with a side of superstitious ranch dipping sauce served on a formica surface.


Classic control freak soothing devices!


The cold is most definitely still with us. While resting the 4 hrs. (yeah, still not over it) after the transfer on Saturday, I concentrated on stifling the tickle I felt nagging just beneath the surface. Because when it beat me, when I could no longer hold it in, it felt like a swift kick in my side - perpetrated w/friggin' stilettos. CRAP it hurt. But now it's Tuesday and that was 3 days ago already. My OHSS seems to be holding steady and I thought Dan and I were headed back to sleeping in our bedroom in - wait for it - our BED. Sleeping. Together. In the same bed. The irony of the fact that I may actually be "knocked up" from a hiatus of not only not sleeping with my husband, but not, literally, sleeping with my husband is not lost on me.

But damn if that fucking cold isn't holding on tight - both woke up w/ a nasty tickle and racking cough simultaneously at 3:00 this morning. We're starting to think this whole apartment is some kind of sick zone - victim of mold/mildew, etc... The paranoia doesn't end there, but I'll spare you (has something to do with being monitored by the Chinese government [aren't you glad I spared you?]).

I've noticed that since being off Zoloft (and sure, probably in combo with the zillion meds/hormones I've been on), the OCD has definitely reared its neurotic head more. (Um, the segue way here is the lovely paranoia [case in point: above paragraph] aspect of OCD.) But I think I was on the Z long enough to see my PATTERNS bubble up and I learned how to quell them with the help of the Zoloft "net." I suppose that would be called, having learned how to use a new "tool." (Yay for me!)

Another OCD symptom I've observed in myself, and other family members (oh, sadly there are more than a handful of us), is that we OCDers are especially adept at spotting the never-ending flow of multiple patterns, coincidences, synchronicity, serendipitous occurrences, etc., etc., etc., that strike everybody, everywhere throughout the day. There is even a whole book/movement (whose popularity surged in those heightened, zany self-help days of the '90s) that chronicles the assigning of deep meaning to coincidental events called, "The Celestine Prophecy" - an OCDers bible; what could be more validating?

I contend we people who have, let's just say, heightened OCD tendencies have not made peace with the inherent lack of control present in oh-so-painfully many aspects of life. That's life. It can get depressing.

Which leads me to...

Based on my very scientific survey, I've isolated the predominant personality traits shared amongst almost all IVFers. And here now I present my findings to you:

"TYPE A, CONTROL FREAK, COMMONLY POSSESSING OCD TENDENCIES."

Yep, ladies, c'mon let's just call a spade a spade. But gosh darned it, we need to be this way so when we're laid up, stuck in bed rest for 4 hours (yes, STILL not over it) in a (foreign) hospital, we get to finally put our honed skills of counting the ceiling corners, multiplying by the ceiling tiles, then dividing by the length of time we last washed our hands to good use - it so totally comes in handy!

What I'm laboriously (and case-in-pointing) getting at is this:

OCD leads not only to conspiracy theories about the Chinese government shooting an UBER RESISTANT strain of a Taiwanese cold under our front door (fine, I tried to spare you - couldn't help myself), but OCD also leads to heightened superstitious behavior.

Ahh, superstition. A past time which will find many from my club frantically looking for wood on which to knock (often presented w/ nothing but wood-grained formica - leaving the poor control freak to assuage their superstition-induced panic and to charmingly, self-deprecatingly knock on their own heads).

When people attach meaning to inanimate objects which serve as their talismans - it's just another form of superstition. And fondling that talisman or performing some ritual that brought them success the first time, will suddenly bring them the calm that comes from being in CONTROL. Believing something is "so Celestine" (meh, I'm dating myself) is pretty much just another way to think your life is in alignment, the Universe is on your side, God is watching - whatever lines one feeds themselves to feel their life is on the right path. Who knows, there might be truth to it. There might. Which is why I can have all these beliefs about its silliness and still heavily participate... as witnessed in these photos:


(Note the wedding bands... finger got too swollen and needed to take them off for now. Have I mentioned, waaah, lately?)


My window necklace I bought from BMFJ when my Chinese classes ended and the IVF started. One door closes, another opens - in this case, a window. See me fondling it to conjure up all the implantation sticky good luck it brought us when I wore it to each of our RE visits? Yeah, yeah, I know, I'm no better than a football player wearing his dirty, crunchy socks.

dandelion shot: Creative Commons License photo credit: la bella rivolta

3 comments:

  1. This comment has been removed by the author.

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  2. Wait, I didn't mean to delete that - I'm tired. my brilliant comeback to Adannymous was:

    Takes one to marry one.

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