Old Paths/New Paths

I'm beyond sick of speculating about early pregnancy symptoms because it's SO tired after 7 years. Hexing be damned, I gotta say I AM feeling different: hyper sensitive to smells, things taste different, sleeeeeepy, murky brain, unusual twinges + tugging in the belly, uber hungry, then when I eat I feel full or nauseous or both...

Of course, not only have I had ALL these mind fuck symptoms a zillion times prior to seeing ZERO, nada, nunca, not a friggin' sign of the elusive double pink lines with my ineffective stream,* but I'm all too aware right now these nagging symptoms could simply be due to the hormones they have me on... Ho hum. Joys of the 2ww. At least our 2ww has been shortened by the lab babysitting the embies for those 6 days.

I keep steadying myself by going back to what I posted before. My wish post: "I hope whatever is supposed to happen, happens." It's the healthiest place for me to go with this whole IF roller coaster. Since it's really a sentiment about faith, it's actually a good mantra to apply beyond this world of IF.

After we get our beta results on Monday + Wednesday, we'll proceed w/ packing accordingly. Either I'll take my aggression/grief out on heaving + tossing my things into the luggage, or I'll be warmly bossing Dan around to do the heavy lifting. I'm really only talking books and paperwork. Our extraction won't be all that involved. It's hard to believe we're going to be home bound on the 18th. It's been quite a journey. As we wrap up our life-changing stint here, we're also wrapping up our life-changing 7 year stint TTC. Always a fan of life's symmetry.

Since you're up to date on our last bits of history here, I'll fill you in on the first bits of our history here... I wrote the following as we hunkered down for our year long stay, settling into life in Taipei:

When I arrived here on May 31st of this year, my head was literally spinning. I lost 24 hours of precious OCD-wrapping-up-final-details time because I lamely misread my itinerary (so I'm not so great at reading military hours) and scrambled to make my plane. Paul kindly dosed me up with a Xanax which shaved about 7 hours off my flight (I passed out for half of it). I fended off the dreaded jet lag from the 15 hour flight by faithfully following the protocol as directed on the NO JET LAG box my lovely friend and neighbor from the VOD had given me. He's a world traveler and swore by the stuff and I'm now an official convert. (If I am preggers, I will avoid them. If not, I'll be popping those things with as much dedicated regimented fervor as I have my infertility concoctions.) I hit the ground running--didn't sleep my first day away. Everything was new and interesting. I can see how people get addicted to indulging in wanderlust. It's invigorating to view things for the first time as if you're a child. My first night here I was met with a mini amateur fireworks show (an event I thought was just for me... turns out it's a frequent occurrence).

Uprooting oneself to live in a foreign country halfway around the world where one does not speak nor read the language, can tend to make one feel a bit out of their comfort zone! I'm actually not surprised at how well I've handled the transition. I do have resources here such as Dan's bilingual friend at work, and my language exchange partner (found each other through the online classifieds). It makes sense with how I excel under chaos and duress. My fight or flight instincts are literally more tapped here as simply surviving not being hit by their crazy driving/no sidewalks is a task unto itself. HOWEVER, my fight or flight instincts are NOT stimulated the same way as they are in LA--in that I'm not constantly late due to crazy traffic (don't miss one bit) and watching my back for fear of creeps fucking with me there.

Such a relief to have that defensive LA shield down. One really feels safe walking on the streets here no matter what time of day or night. Plus being a foreigner gives us extra protection b/c NO ONE wants to cross that legal bridge here. The government doesn't look too kindly upon its citizens messing with foreigners. And I'm adoring how easy riding their MRT (subway) is. They keep it spanking clean, it's safe, and it's extremely efficient. After spending over half my life wrestling with LA traffic, I'm going to enjoy the freedom from driving while I can. Overall, the people here have been extremely kind, helpful, patient, and friendly to us in helping us find our way around.

I don't know if we would have had the guts to take this challenge on had we not built up our stamina with living in the trailer in SD and then taking on the most challenging task of our lives in renovating our apartments. Now that prompted quick growth. Coming through that made us so extremely strong in our faith in each other and ourselves. So "being in the trenches" together, as with anyone, either breaks you or makes you stronger. I told him yesterday, we're like two strands in DNA - so inextricably intertwined. Codependent? Um, hell yeah! Far as I can tell, for us anyway, it's the best way to conduct this thing called marriage.

*Pathetic admission: It has crossed my mind more than once that I should have just forked over the 7 bucks and peed right after that trigger shot in December just to feel what it must be like to see a positive. Warned you, pathetic.

Mistletoe is neither meant for Decorating Cages nor Consumption.

Here's my IF quote of the day from the woman who could become a grandmother yet again if this FET takes:

"You can sit in your rocking chair and feel you did everything you could or sit in the rocking chair looking at grandchildren. Either way you win."

Agreed.

On Sunday afternoon, after downing the best heart-stopping eggs benedict on the island, Dan and I visited a place highly recommended by our new friends, the proprietors of Le Rouge in Banciao City. $85NT and 8 minutes later we arrived by taxi, at Lin mansion. After enjoying the historic Chinese surroundings ,we came across a bell/gong thing I determined was there to strike while making a wish. Not sure if I was right and didn't care if I looked stupid doing it. (Children aside, find me an adult who doesn't look stupid when they shut their eyes muttering a wish while their tossed penny flies into the murky waters of a man-made water receptable?) So when I did it, my wish was: "I hope whatever is supposed to happen, happens."

Tired of being pushy with my wishes.

I spent the first 7 years of my life (okay, maybe 4 of those were cognitive) wishing for a frackin'* bunny. My day finally came. It was Christmastime. My parents bought me my long-awaited "Pepper" (guess what kind of coloring this rabbit had) and I proceed to decorate the cage with mistletoe (always have adored decorating) and I kill the poor thing within 2 weeks!!!** I always think of that when I "make a wish." I also remind myself of past Nouns I was absolutely sure were right and I desperately wanted them come into my life... and then I didn't get them--just didn't play out. Then in hindsight, I'm SO glad they didn't work out.

Case in point: the house we almost bought in So. Pasadena (mostly to be in the right school district for our unborn child/ren) and it fell through. Then, within about a year, the MRT, the train transport, the whatever it's called in LA, oh--the Metro (?) installation they insisted was on hold indefinitely was installed and running... LOUDLY... right outside what would have been our front door. A mere year! The very day we finally stopped beating our heads against the wall trying to make that square peg fit in the round hole, we found our beloved Tipton. Whenever we go to Busters (ex-place of employ from WAY back [I still make a mean cappuccino given the right implements of destruction]), we congratulate ourselves for being so damned psychically in alignment with The Universe, plugging our ears as the approaching train bells trigger a tinittis relapse. After it passes, we add an extra high five topped with a "terrorist" fist bump for being "blessed" despite being confirmed Heathens.

Life really is a crap shoot--we just try to play our cards right and let the chips fall where they may.

Vegas metaphors are the best when trying to make peace with how very little control we have over so many things in life.


*We've been on a crazed Battlestar Gallactica marathon this past week. Forgive my Silicon Valley nerdiness. But it's so frucking good! Highly recommend.

**NOTE: see title.