We may enter + exit the world alone, but in between we sure are not alone. And thank goodness for that.

Sam found some words she said I could borrow... Today. We're both dealing with the aftershocks of failed IVF and I thought what she wrote was lovely.

I actually have a bunch of stuff in my draft pile. But instead of editing it right now, thought I'd share what we've done on this, our last Sunday here in Taipei. The weather has been stellar.

Some of today's highlights:

Slept in.

Yeah, we get a lifetime of this now.

Had coffee.

Ditto above.

Went to plant our avocado tree.


Took the avocado plant we started here (think '70s style pit w/ the toothpicks triad in glass jar) up to where we have taken gorgeous hikes. A fallen tree called out to me to follow a path we'd never taken. We let intuition carry us to THE PERFECT SPOT where we placed what we did make in Taiwan into it's permanent home. The sunlight was glistening right where we placed it. The veined leaves were back lit and the plant had an almost chartreuse glow. I took a bunch of pictures to commemorate the moment and also to have my own "green" shot for my gogreenify site.

On our walk back home, we came upon a playground.


I rode a springy rocky horse at one of the many public parks/playgrounds they have here. I got a few stares here and there. Something I've gotten quite used to while living in Taipei. The Taiwanese have stared at us unabashedly since our arrival. Kinda like we're a new specimen of creature at a zoo. Though in this case, I wasn't just some white girl wearing sunglasses. I was an adult publicly making a fool of myself (very skilled at being as unabashed a fool as they are at staring). This little boy of about 4 creeps into my peripheral vision and tentatively mounts the same ride right next to me. Then he starts hammering away at showing me how to rock to and fro with some serious vigor. He flashes me a smile. I try to catch up with his pace, as he slows down to mine. We had a moment of timed rocking and smiling. Then he slowed down altogether. Uttered the sweetest small "bye" as he dismounted and ran off to make some other kid not feel so lonely in their playtime.

Music vs. Words: Letting Chris Martin do my talking.

So, so close...

Thank you all so much for your cramped, crossed fingers and good wishes. Your support means tons to me. It's definitely helping me get through this process.

Well, yesterday Dan went on a supplies outing and I asked him to pick up more prenatals but he wasn't able to locate them (finding things is not a guy's area of strength). I was hoping he'd have some luck because if he didn't, that would mean I'd need to get off my butt, drag my bloated and sluggish ass out of the apartment, and find them myself--thereby exposing myself to the temptation to buy an HPT. And so I did (at least they're cheaper here).

As per their usual m.o. in this country, they advertise on the label/title/signage/what have you in English, then it stops there. The packaging said easy to use, accurate, etc. but as far as instructions went, I was left to my own devices. When I opened it, it was just a straight up skinny little stick part without all the plastic casing part we're used to (ah, see why it was cheaper) with what turned out to be a foldable cup. I peed on the stick, then immediately realized I was prob. supposed to pee in the "cup," then dunk the stick in it. So I tossed it in the trash and said we weren't meant to find out yet. But that episode of Friends where Phoebe discovers Rachel's positive tester in the trash kept running through my mind. I figured the pee was wicking its way through and some result was probably sitting there, waiting for me to retrieve it out of the trash and take a look. So I did. I was honestly expecting to finally see those ever-elusive TWO lines as we fully and completely dove into truly hoping on this cycle--we audaciously hoped. BFN. ONE, very conclusive and distinct line. Just one fucking line. Yet. Again.

We held each other as we did some pre-processing awaiting the 2nd beta to confirm our final answer. Ultimately we're both glad we prepped ourselves for today's beta. Those shaky feelings of trepidation absolutely suck and by grabbing the reins we alleviated a lot of that. We've done some serious pre-grieving now. We recounted to each other the pros and cons from both sides of the "to parent/not to parent" list. We talked more about possibly adopting. Though it's not something we plan to pursue, if ever, for years yet. We have about an hour until we can call for our beta results. But we're prepped now. Just one more hour. Then our moving on process from trying to conceive can fully commence.

Here's to finally getting off the fucking TTC fence.

Confucian Magic 8-Ball®esque Fortune Cookie say:

From time to time I actually interact with my own "gadgets" I've set up on my blog. When I sat down at my computer this morning, I made hitting the fortune cookie my first order of business (I'm genius at prioritizing my time.):

"Everything is not yet lost."

Seriously. Not making that up. That really was how it so appropriately read. Since I don't have a Magic 8-Ball® readily available, I thought that was very sweet of "The Universe" to remind me of that truth via the oh-so-accurate fortune cookie minus the carbs.

You faithful readers (I know, the plural usage there was lofty. Hi Laurie.*) may remember from reading a recent "small world" post that I'm new to the Facebook world. And in pursuing validating my inner Jr. High school dork, I've quickly acquired my roster of long lost friends - proving to everyone that indeed, I AM popular in The Cyber Quad, gosh darned it. So as I was perusing (in yet another procrastination ploy to avoid crunching numbers, though here I DO sit in my home away from home office) the latest goings ons w/ my long losts, I saw a photo of an Ex that caught my eye. (Yes, Dan and I are one of those couples who happily remain friends with our respective Ex's; many of whom, on both sides, attended our wedding.) I was one of those girls who dated a wide variety of different physical types. But there was a common personality type I have always, consistently, been attracted to: FUNNY. Funny and silly and creative and smart and driven and of course the most important shared element they ALL had to have? Big.



Appreciation for my humor.

This Ex was all spiffed out at a black tie wedding. The shot so captured one of the things I loved and still love about this guy - he's fun and funny - qualities he shares with my husband. This guy, in particular, happens to even look a little like Dan (something Dan himself unjealously noted). So when I saw this photo someone had "tagged" him in gleefully swinging his daughter around, making gravity pull her hair askew, while in his spiffy tux at a black tie affair, I cried. NOT because I was sad that WE did not end up together. I cried because it so captured what Dan should get to be: an inappropriately fun, funny, silly, and gleeful father.

And though as I'm writing this here, welling up again, I'm still silly enough to console myself in finding comfort in the wise words of the sage online fortune cookie:

"Everything is not yet lost."

Because even if we never get to impart our silly senses of humor to a child of our own, we'll always keep each other laughing.





*(Thanks for the "dismayed" gem you didn't want me using, sister!)

Photo tweaked on: http://www.redkid.net/generator/8ball/