...and no cigar.

Actual post date and time: 3/11/09 @ 7:06 PM (changed to order the two posts properly)

First beta WAS a point. A fraction. This one was 0.01. 3/11/09 at 3:19 pm, our journey ends.

"You don't pregnancy."

I,I,I called him, not him, me. Wanted to confirm I can quit these blasted hormones cold turkey.

Trying to get Dr. Li to tell me he was so sorry it didn't work out for us:

Me: (consciously attempting to manipulate it out of him as it wasn't among the first three sentences he uttered) "We'll, I guess we'll never be parents then."

Him: (pause... still no sorry) "Well, stop the hormones, you'll get your period in 2-3 days. Why don't you come by and pick up your records in case you want to try again later. Don't let the door hit you on the back side."*

Sorry to any docs out there, but docs ARE arrogant. And Chinese doctors, FORGETABOUTIT. Dr. Li, I trust you did everything and more an American doc would have done. But just as people see true colors of character upon break ups, oh boy. Your bedside manners need some brushing up there, doc.

I'm not a bawling wreck. (Anymore.) We've stretched this grieving process out long before we took this last ditch stab at getting pregnant here. I'm proud of our bravery in diving into the eye of the storm again. In ripping the scab off the old wound. What came out of the ART we attempted here was not a baby, but was a rearranging of our emotions involved in being infertile.

We reopened our hearts and rendered ourselves vulnerable and yearning once again. Felt the pain of the parental voids we were seeking to fulfill. By reexamining our infertile experience via blogging, then discussing what I blogged, by experiencing the ups and downs once again, we opened our overstuffed and disorganized infertile closet, basketballs springing out at our heads. We looked around the room at the strewn about mess. We pointed at the old mementos and reminisced about the good and the bad we saw splayed all around us. Then we threw away crap that we didn't want anymore. We saved the special things and put them away in a loving and organized fashion where we can retrieve them without the explosion happening.

Now we have more room in the closet for new mementos.

Like I said, I absolutely refuse to be bitter, beaten, and broken about being infertile. Not everyone can be that 1 in 4 for which IVF works. We're hoping we get that 25% chance as credit for something else down the road. Crushed Dream Karmic Credit.

My wish is for every woman** out there who unsuccessfully tried to conceive their own bio baby to make peace with it. To refuse to be bitter, beaten, and broken. To create new hopes and dreams. Or perhaps realize old ones we left behind long ago.

Tonight I have Häagen-Dazs® coffee ice cream to fill the void. (Nice forethought, Sweetie.)

Thank you again to everyone who has been pulling so hard for us. We felt and feel the love. Now that I've opened up the writing floodgates, don't expect me to quietly slink away from the blogosphere. We're going to march on following our path of least regrets. I'll have plenty to pontificate about.

Maybe the next job Dan gets will be in Paris. Onward and upward.


*Ok. He didn't really say the "door hitting my back side" part.

**I specify women vs. couples or men and women, because we are, in fact, designed to have that empty womb filled. We literally, feel the void on a visceral level. Don't mean to imply the men are beyond the pain.

Old Paths/New Paths

I'm beyond sick of speculating about early pregnancy symptoms because it's SO tired after 7 years. Hexing be damned, I gotta say I AM feeling different: hyper sensitive to smells, things taste different, sleeeeeepy, murky brain, unusual twinges + tugging in the belly, uber hungry, then when I eat I feel full or nauseous or both...

Of course, not only have I had ALL these mind fuck symptoms a zillion times prior to seeing ZERO, nada, nunca, not a friggin' sign of the elusive double pink lines with my ineffective stream,* but I'm all too aware right now these nagging symptoms could simply be due to the hormones they have me on... Ho hum. Joys of the 2ww. At least our 2ww has been shortened by the lab babysitting the embies for those 6 days.

I keep steadying myself by going back to what I posted before. My wish post: "I hope whatever is supposed to happen, happens." It's the healthiest place for me to go with this whole IF roller coaster. Since it's really a sentiment about faith, it's actually a good mantra to apply beyond this world of IF.

After we get our beta results on Monday + Wednesday, we'll proceed w/ packing accordingly. Either I'll take my aggression/grief out on heaving + tossing my things into the luggage, or I'll be warmly bossing Dan around to do the heavy lifting. I'm really only talking books and paperwork. Our extraction won't be all that involved. It's hard to believe we're going to be home bound on the 18th. It's been quite a journey. As we wrap up our life-changing stint here, we're also wrapping up our life-changing 7 year stint TTC. Always a fan of life's symmetry.

Since you're up to date on our last bits of history here, I'll fill you in on the first bits of our history here... I wrote the following as we hunkered down for our year long stay, settling into life in Taipei:

When I arrived here on May 31st of this year, my head was literally spinning. I lost 24 hours of precious OCD-wrapping-up-final-details time because I lamely misread my itinerary (so I'm not so great at reading military hours) and scrambled to make my plane. Paul kindly dosed me up with a Xanax which shaved about 7 hours off my flight (I passed out for half of it). I fended off the dreaded jet lag from the 15 hour flight by faithfully following the protocol as directed on the NO JET LAG box my lovely friend and neighbor from the VOD had given me. He's a world traveler and swore by the stuff and I'm now an official convert. (If I am preggers, I will avoid them. If not, I'll be popping those things with as much dedicated regimented fervor as I have my infertility concoctions.) I hit the ground running--didn't sleep my first day away. Everything was new and interesting. I can see how people get addicted to indulging in wanderlust. It's invigorating to view things for the first time as if you're a child. My first night here I was met with a mini amateur fireworks show (an event I thought was just for me... turns out it's a frequent occurrence).

Uprooting oneself to live in a foreign country halfway around the world where one does not speak nor read the language, can tend to make one feel a bit out of their comfort zone! I'm actually not surprised at how well I've handled the transition. I do have resources here such as Dan's bilingual friend at work, and my language exchange partner (found each other through the online classifieds). It makes sense with how I excel under chaos and duress. My fight or flight instincts are literally more tapped here as simply surviving not being hit by their crazy driving/no sidewalks is a task unto itself. HOWEVER, my fight or flight instincts are NOT stimulated the same way as they are in LA--in that I'm not constantly late due to crazy traffic (don't miss one bit) and watching my back for fear of creeps fucking with me there.

Such a relief to have that defensive LA shield down. One really feels safe walking on the streets here no matter what time of day or night. Plus being a foreigner gives us extra protection b/c NO ONE wants to cross that legal bridge here. The government doesn't look too kindly upon its citizens messing with foreigners. And I'm adoring how easy riding their MRT (subway) is. They keep it spanking clean, it's safe, and it's extremely efficient. After spending over half my life wrestling with LA traffic, I'm going to enjoy the freedom from driving while I can. Overall, the people here have been extremely kind, helpful, patient, and friendly to us in helping us find our way around.

I don't know if we would have had the guts to take this challenge on had we not built up our stamina with living in the trailer in SD and then taking on the most challenging task of our lives in renovating our apartments. Now that prompted quick growth. Coming through that made us so extremely strong in our faith in each other and ourselves. So "being in the trenches" together, as with anyone, either breaks you or makes you stronger. I told him yesterday, we're like two strands in DNA - so inextricably intertwined. Codependent? Um, hell yeah! Far as I can tell, for us anyway, it's the best way to conduct this thing called marriage.

*Pathetic admission: It has crossed my mind more than once that I should have just forked over the 7 bucks and peed right after that trigger shot in December just to feel what it must be like to see a positive. Warned you, pathetic.