Tuesday, March 10, 2009

So, so close...

Thank you all so much for your cramped, crossed fingers and good wishes. Your support means tons to me. It's definitely helping me get through this process.

Well, yesterday Dan went on a supplies outing and I asked him to pick up more prenatals but he wasn't able to locate them (finding things is not a guy's area of strength). I was hoping he'd have some luck because if he didn't, that would mean I'd need to get off my butt, drag my bloated and sluggish ass out of the apartment, and find them myself--thereby exposing myself to the temptation to buy an HPT. And so I did (at least they're cheaper here).

As per their usual m.o. in this country, they advertise on the label/title/signage/what have you in English, then it stops there. The packaging said easy to use, accurate, etc. but as far as instructions went, I was left to my own devices. When I opened it, it was just a straight up skinny little stick part without all the plastic casing part we're used to (ah, see why it was cheaper) with what turned out to be a foldable cup. I peed on the stick, then immediately realized I was prob. supposed to pee in the "cup," then dunk the stick in it. So I tossed it in the trash and said we weren't meant to find out yet. But that episode of Friends where Phoebe discovers Rachel's positive tester in the trash kept running through my mind. I figured the pee was wicking its way through and some result was probably sitting there, waiting for me to retrieve it out of the trash and take a look. So I did. I was honestly expecting to finally see those ever-elusive TWO lines as we fully and completely dove into truly hoping on this cycle--we audaciously hoped. BFN. ONE, very conclusive and distinct line. Just one fucking line. Yet. Again.

We held each other as we did some pre-processing awaiting the 2nd beta to confirm our final answer. Ultimately we're both glad we prepped ourselves for today's beta. Those shaky feelings of trepidation absolutely suck and by grabbing the reins we alleviated a lot of that. We've done some serious pre-grieving now. We recounted to each other the pros and cons from both sides of the "to parent/not to parent" list. We talked more about possibly adopting. Though it's not something we plan to pursue, if ever, for years yet. We have about an hour until we can call for our beta results. But we're prepped now. Just one more hour. Then our moving on process from trying to conceive can fully commence.

Here's to finally getting off the fucking TTC fence.


  1. I'm so very sorry. I've been watching and hoping that this was it for you.

  2. Shit. This is rough, but I'm very encouraged by your wise, thoughtful approach to moving on, be that to adoption or other possibilities.

    I hope your grieving leads you to amazing new insights and adventures. In the meanwhile, huge hugs, and giant tubs of coffee ice cream, and cases of the finest booze.

  3. I'm so sorry :-(...but I'm so so glad your doctor didn't really say 'don't let the door hit you in the backside'...my jaw didn't close until I read your note at the bottom.

  4. Here from L&F.
    Sending big hugs.

  5. Fark. This sucks huge hairballs. I'm so sorry Kate. Sorry for you and your DH, sorry for the hope that died with that damn pee stick and beta.

    BUT like you say we will NOT be downtrodden and be overcome by this. WE will be the overcomers and WE will stand strong at the end.

    For now let the hurt flow, but in time we'll stand strong again.